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gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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