Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
