Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I cannot find my penis.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize