honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
