I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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