hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
