i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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