Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
