apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
