I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
