Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need a beard to bite.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
