Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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