I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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