Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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