Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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