I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
