What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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