i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
