when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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