Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
