a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
