Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
