peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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