my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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