I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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