I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
