My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
