What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
