Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
