I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
