My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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