Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i think i have herpe
just one?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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