she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
