my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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