I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
