No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
