All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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