Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
