Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
