I don't remember. Are we still dating?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
