i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
