I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
