It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
