just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
