Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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