i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
