I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
