Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
