Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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