No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
