I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
