The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
