There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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