Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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