How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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